1. Natural Ice – A.K.A. “Natty Ice” or simply “Natty”, this piss also comes as Natural Light. This beer is the closest you can get to tasting like sour water that’s been sitting in the pipes of an abandoned house for 5 years without actually giving yourself stomach ulcers. Although it might actually be too soon to declare that second part. If you want to be known as the trashy southern kid with an alcoholic father and an all-around girl-repellent, go for this one. (Coor’s version would be KeyStone Light.)
2. Olde English 800 – Okay, let’s go ahead and include ALL other so-called “malt liquors” including Mickey’s, Hurricane Ice, Big Bear, Colt 45, and whatever that other green shit is that they sell at 7/11 stores. Take all the judgements mentioned above but tack on “cheapass” and you will inch closer to the type of reputation you will radiate by drinking this crap. And you thought vodka was the poor man’s drink…
3. Busch – The only beer that gives you the shits immediately after consumption. At least they deserve a medal for something.
4. Pabst Blue Ribbon - Normally I’d chalk up PBR to the likes of Budweiser, Coors, and Miller – mediocre, but doable. But the fact that the entire goddamn world of hipsters and douchebags has revived this shitty beer into some sort of trendy beverage disgusts me. Jesus Christ, seriously? Why can’t all you indie kids just stick to Red Stripe, which is at least somewhat decent?
4. Old Milwaukee, Milwaukee’s Best, Etc – I don’t know what the hell kind of city Milwaukee is, but I’m putting my money on “shithole” based on the fact that any beer with Milwaukee in it’s name smells like a vagina in the middle of a rancid yeast infection.
5. MGD 64, and all other “low calorie” beers – Only in America could beer companies like Miller who are already selling pure piss figure out a way to water things down further and STILL come out with a profit. Applies to Coors Aspen Edge, Sleeman Clear Lager, and dozens more.
6. Bud Light Lime, Bud Light Chelada - Holy hell. The only thing worse than drinking pee is drinking spicy sour pee. You’d think that instead of masking the lack of flavor with fragrances that closely resemble stomach acid, these “breweries” might try to… nope. Nevermind.
7. Fruity Beers - Before you post some gay-ass comment about how Sam Adams Cherry Wheat is “kinda good actually!” let me just shut you up right there. I don’t give a rat’s. There are some things that simply don’t belong in a brew, no matter how shitty a company it is. Included on the list is fruit, chili (i.e. Cave Creek Chili Beer), coffee (i.e. Redhook Double Black Stout), and vitamins (i.e. Winter Park Beer… WTF?). If you want to enjoy one of these bastards in the comfort and privacy of your own home, then please do so. But don’t go turning the world into a bunch of faggots in public. Please. Please.
8. Latino Beers - If your climate is too muggy to properly grow wheat and hops, and you are too poor to import quality ingredients, well, it’s a disaster waiting to happen. We’ve got Corona from Mexico, Salva Vida from Honduras, Imperial from Costa Rica, and the list goes on and on. Pretty much all beers south of the border come in bottles that look like they were manufactured in the 1950s and taste a bit like cardboard mixed with small bits of cocaine. And no, that’s not a good thing.
9. Red Dog - When the only thing going for a beer is that when you look at their logo upside down it looks like Batman eating out Catwoman, it should be a major red flag. Although maybe not.
10. Schlitz - Just saying this word make you feel like a total faggot, or child molester, or perhaps both. Especially when its one of the only beers for sale in Provincetown, MA. It doesn’t help that its fizzier than a broken Coke fountain. You’ve been warned.
Dishonorable mention: Any beer made in Korea. (Hite, OB, etc.)
What beers would you add to or remove from this list? Comment below!
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This is a really funny article, and I have to agree with most of your opinions. Except for Pabst and Latino beers. Most Latino beers are great, Corona sucks though, especially as much as people hype it up to be the greatest beer.
You forgot one of the most deadly of all, the home brew beer, known to taste like anything from teast water to burnt dogshit and with the potential of doing anything from destroying your taste buds or making you go blind to liver damage and death, be warned when someone offers you first taste on their homebrew it’s usually best to run like hell.
god forbid you should like to drink a beer that is “going to turn the world into a bunch of faggots” or one that is from south/central america/mexico, or korea, or a beer like natty that will make you seem like a “trashy southern kid.” all this racist rhetoric pretty much invalidates the authors opinions imo
Might be worth pointing out that beer is typically made from malted barley- not wheat. Your ignorance of beer ingredients also tends to invalidate your opinions.
So I’m guessing by this list that the only beer that the other likes are bud light and coors light, unless he’s trying to impress some girls gone wild type trash and then he steps up to something like heineken or stella.
*Author
you totally forgot bohemian ice(full body shiver)
dude the writer is fucken retarded. i bet he doesn’t know shit about beers and on top of that he’s some white trailer trash incest loving freak. don’t fucken insult Mexican imported beers.
The write is mostly correct, though I’d happily tack on Budweiser, Coors and all the other big names to this, vomit on them and set the list on fire whilst detonating 47 trucks full of their vile brews…
There are some exceptions to all rules though. The Mexican Carta Blanca is a fantastic beer, and Pacifico (Corona’s bigger brother) is actually a very good lager for hot weather.
Pabst is gross.
Microbrews forever.
The fact that you didn’t include most offerings from Anheuser-Busch (Budweiser, among other shit beers) and then bitch about better beer is kind of saying something.
Also the fact that you fail regarding ingredients (wheat? Only a few beers are made with wheat, dumbass)
Your “in your face” attitude about what beer is good or not while ultimately amusing is rife with ignorant commentary and incorrect information.
Hey MrF, Natty Ice is Anheuser-Busch, dumbass!
JJ, if you read properly you’ll see MrF wrote “didn’t include most offerings from Anheuser-Busch”, thereby acknowledging that there was an Anheuser-Busch offering on the list, now who’s the dumbass?
Two number 4s.
I’d like to know what beers do the article’s author like, if any at all. He seems to be a beer-hater on a crusade; besides, one thing is not-liking beer and another is knowing about beer. Get yorself a little info before rambling-out such nonsense ’cause I can tell you I do know about beer, because of getting info about them and having tasted a lot all around the globe and you’d be surprised to know that some latino beers are amongst the best in the world, including Imperial from Costa Rica. Though I agree with you about Corona.
this prick knows shit about beer, he probably drinks just wine cooler to get a buzz. i love corona, even when its not the best in mexico, but give montejo, indio, xx ambar and barrilito, a shot if you like beer that tastes like beer, not just watered-down piss. and stay the hell away from superior, sol, estrella, tropical and gallo when in mexico theyre just crappy excuses for a beer. cheers!!
arent most college kids broke or on a tight budget? i know i was. ok so
1. natty ice, yes it is very very gross. i stopped drinking it when i tried it once in high school. so i agree with you on that one. even though you forgot the title of your blog. see my first sentence if you for got.
2. malt liquors, you’re stupid. they’re cheap and mickeys is pretty good if you ask me. and after one or two do you really care what it tastes like? oh yeah and stella is fucking awesome. so you’re a dumb shit on that one. and vodka is NOT the poor mans drink. the poor mans drink is the subject you decided to write a fucking blog about! its FUCKING BEER!
3. busch, yeah you hit the nail on the head with that one.
4. pbr is also a good beer, though i can see how a lot of people dont like it. if youre ever in texas try lone star, its the pbr of texas but it tastes better. but your reason for not liking it is lame. you really dont like it because other people do. i heard hipsters like to breathe air too.
umm you did 4 twice. but 4 1/2 through 6 i agree with.
7. fruity beers, HAVE YOU EVER HAD A LAMBIC BEER!!!??? SHIT! know what you’re talking about when you’re expecting someone to listen. im going to guess youre 22 or 23. and what about hefeweizens? alot of those you squeeze a lemon or orange into and those are some of the best beers in the world.
8. latino beers, you know most of those breweries were founded by german and checkoslovakian immigrants right? meaning they’re using centuries old recipes. NOT USING WHEAT!!! and you seem like you would love the 1950′s. you hate gays, non-whites and you seem to have an antiquated education.
9. ehh doesnt miller make red dog and milwaukees best, pretty much every big brewery in america sucks and they make beer that you dont think they make.
10. or rather 11. schlitz FUCK YOU! this one gets a pass cause jerry lee lewis wrote a bad ass song about it. that and i wanted to say fuck you. learn about what youre writing about before you take the time to do it and learn how to count.
@retarded, schlitz sucks ass. latino beers were founded by immigrants who didn’t have the fucking ingredients they needed to make “centuries old” recipes i.e. the centuries old hops farmers, you idiot. hefeweizen doesn’t have fruit brewed inside it. i guess you chose the correct username…
@anonymous i didnt say hefeweizen had fruit brewed in it. i said you squeeze fruit in to it. and yes there are a few that have fruit brewed in it.
i also didnt say schlitz was good. i said it got a pass because a bad ass piano player wrote a song about it.
yes the immigrants did have the ingredients. i was trying to point out that the author is a racist prick.
also go fuck your self if you dont know a mr. show reference.
you stupid fuck,
dr. retarded
Some of the best beers in the world have fruits in them, like Belgian style apple beer, and Dogfish Head’s own “Aprihop.” So I don’t agree with that on an the list.
And to the guy who said anything a homebrewer makes should be on the list, guess what nearly all of your “good beers” used to be.
This would be a bit better if you went with more joke’s and less ranting. Sound’s a little dumb with constant swearing.
The Author is correct on a few points. American Light Lagers are gross. This includes Coors, Miller, Heineken, and numerous others. Other American beers to avoid would be “european imports” such as Guinness, what Americans receive is as far from the iconic brew who’s name it bears as it can get.
Micro brews are the only beers that deserve a place in your fridge/bar/cabinet.
The Author is very very very wrong on the most important point. Fruits and spices are a vital part of brewing history. Coffee is an excellent additive to brews. Finally, homebrew is the purest form of culinary art. If you can’t take joy in a lovingly crafted homebrew then you are an uncultured swine and should stick to your mass produced pisswater.
@Hozr
Heineken is Dutch
Fruit in beer = breaking Man Law
The only badass fruits are pumpkins because Georgie Washinton pioneered pumpkin beer
turn the world into faggots? that’s just the kind of drama a gay man would use. or is it persons of gayness?
Apricot beer is good and fuck you if you don’t like it.
Ultimately, you are the kind of homo gay men won’t even hang out with if you choose your beer based on anything other than your own personal tastes. Sitting around hoping your beer doesn’t end up on some “shitty beer” list is the ultimate failure. Grow a pair and drink whatever the hell you want.
Don sounds like a huge faggot
Don’t you dare forget the greatness of “Steel Reserve.”
We used to get bombed off of 40s of this crap daily.
The beauty part is we only paid like $0.75 per 40oz.
The bad part was that it tasted like holy hell and it made you think kayaking down frozen mountains was a super good idea.
carlsberg special brew.. worst beer ever. tastes like pissy cardboard. strong as fuck but still not worth drinking. mainly sold in ireland.
I drank Natty all throughout college. Cheap, goes down easy, and overall just awesome
Natty Ice = Not recommended
Some valid points, but mostly a shitty list.