‘Santa Claus Conquers the Martians’ – A Horrible Holiday Classic

When I was five years old my big brother and I walked up to the neighborhood movie theater to watch the film Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. What we viewed that afternoon was a cinematic production every bit deserving of its future designation thirty-four years later as one of the worst movies of the twentieth century.

The plot itself was more than just a bit disturbing to a pre-schooler, Martians descend and kidnap Santa along with two small children so that Mars can have Christmas just like the planet Earth does. I remember that was creepy enough to begin with but when these men in green tights and antennas actually showed up on the North Pole, froze all of Santa’s elves and Mrs. Claus with their laser guns I began to get a pit in my stomach. They froze Mrs. Claus! As I think about it now that was probably the single greatest act of disrespect the entertainment industry would perpetrate until Mork did the same to Fonzie more than a decade later.

What also bothered me greatly while watching this film was that Santa just passively followed the Martian orders to board their spaceship without so much as a scuffle. In doing so he left his elves, Mrs. Claus and all of us kids awaiting Christmas behind. Sure he was outnumbered and they had laser guns and a big mean robot but couldn’t he at least have sicked the reindeer on them or something? I can only surmise that the antiwar movement of the time had co-opted the script.

At the film’s most desperate moment Santa is imprisoned on the Martians’ spaceship, the point at which I remember whispering to my brother “I wanna go now.” Being a worldly eleven year old and an expert in five year old psychology he came back with “let’s just stay a little longer to see if Santa gets away”

Of course Santa did get sprung, thanks in large part to a Holiday friendly Martian named Dropo who through the use of bubbles and carefully aimed toys helped him to defeat the bad Martian Voldar and Christmas was both preserved on Earth and discovered on Mars. (Lets not forget the title here, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. It wasn’t exactly hyped as a mystery flick.)

The ending soundtrack to this gem is among the most bizarre in film history. Lyrics fill the screen and a chorus of children sing :

Hang up that Mistletoe,
Soon You’ll here Ho Ho Ho,
On Christmas Day,
You’ll Wake Up and You’ll Say,
Hooray for Santy Claus,
S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S
Hooray for Santy Claus,

Santy Claus?

As best I can remember Santa and the Martians played in the theaters at Christmas time for maybe one or two years to follow and then hit a long hiatus. So long that for a good twenty-five years or so nobody seemed to believe the story I just told. There couldn’t have possibly been such a movie. I was making it up for laughs. I dreamt it. It was some other movie I went to when I was five but remembered it wrong. Or I simply hallucinated it. The more I insisted that there had been such a movie the more my credibility seemed to be dismissed.

Finally in the 1990s Cable TV dusted off Santa Claus Conquers the Martians for a new generation as Comedy Central aired the flick as did Mystery Science Theater 3000 (Mystery? There we go again, see film title please) and the true legacy of Santa and the Martians finally had its rightful place in history. And as the Internet took wing and the Youtubes of the world began to display actual footage of the movie this irrefutable evidence inspired more baby boomers to suddenly remember seeing the movie just like I did. It became sort of like an “I was there when we beat the Russians in Hockey” thing.

Then came the lists of the worst movies of the twentieth century and Santa and the Martians seemed to be prominently displayed on all them.

So today you can find Santa Claus Conquers the Martians on DVD just about anywhere and be watching it no time, which is precisely what my family and I have done this Holiday Season. And when you do you’ll notice one more unique feature. The opening title actually misspells Santa Claus as Santa Clause. Its clearly a movie with a gift that keeps giving.

In part because it spent so long in hiding I believe that Santa Claus Conquers the Martians should now be permanent Holiday Americana, every bit as deserving of a spot in the December DVD basket along with Its a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street and White Christmas. Unlike those tear jerkers we’ve all seen a million times this one can really make you laugh. If nothing else its a friendly Holiday reminder that sometimes in life the best comedies are the involuntary ones.

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